“New Odd friends”

About a month before I started this book, I went to see my father for my scheduled two weeks weight check, and my father freaked out that I was at about 117 kilos. That meant that the target to come down to 100 kilos in about 2 month from that time was unlikely. My father, a very stout person and I, a very stubborn person, entered into a shouting match. He shouted his disbelief that I would make it to 100 kilos on schedule and I shouted back that I just lost about 10 kilos in 25 days.

The shouting match was heard clear outside the closed and thick teak doors of my father’s office. I subsequently told people close to me that my father was an “X” type of person, who saw people as crap, and needed a beating for them to perform. And that I was a “Y” type of person, who saw people as wanting to do good on their own and all they needed was encouragement in the right direction.

I was so unhappy at what occurred, that I visited a bar, for the first time in quite sometime and saw a few bar girls who over the years have became good friends, and not sexual objects. I still didn’t drink but as I sat, I began a long sulk and literally cried right there in the pub, in front of many foreigners and many regulars who noticed me over the years, who looked at me in disbelief.

Days later I called my friend the actor up. And I started to tell him my problems. He was on an ego trip the size of Godzilla as usual and went into how I had been a great guy as a kid, having won the love of a girl, name Phontip, who everyone lusted after and wanted as a girlfriend.

He said after that success, I had somehow changed and gone down hill ever since. He said I was kicked out of Bangkok Post, in disgraced, that I was washed up as a journalist and a host of other things in that vein. He said I was like Mike Tyson-great once but now finished.

I defended my record, because he was ill-informed of the facts on many accounts - such as the Bangkok Post, where I have been blasting them for years now for ass kissing the military coup. So whatever he had heard, it was coming from a twisted angle.

Then I told him that the real problem was my fresh conflict with my father. To sum it all up, I basically told him I was never loved by my father; even if he cared for me, I was never on his top list of priorities - meaning nothing I did was good enough for my father. I gave him the example in the States where when I asked my father for a car, he wired over about US$5,000 which was enough for me to buy a second hand car, but when my brother went to the States and requested a car, my father wired my brother US$20,000 for a brand new luxurious car.

My actor friend, after hearing these things, said I just simply love my father too much and said Catholics have a saying that, “Those who love God a great deal, can’t expect to be loved back.” So in summary, he tore my love for my father to pieces. I was angry at him, off course, because I believe that my love for my father is sacred. And so I e-mailed him an attacking kind of message and said I was sorry for him because he really had no father to look up to or to worship.

All of the above occurred however, only about three weeks to a month ago from writing this. In hind-sight, what took place had a lot to do with how I was still stuck with being a winner and playing the game.

Fast forward to only the past week, and I did something very much the same as with my actor friend when I went to meet a very successful spiritual Buddhist leader. Well like my actor friend, he tore me to bits and tried to help me solve the riddle that I presented him. Normally I have a hunch about things - like a deep down feeling or logic that guides me. However, for the past month, that guiding light has somehow disappeared and when I do deep focus all I saw about myself was a blackened out future.

That blackened out vision troubled me and that was why I sought out the spiritual leader's help. Well I left the meeting and I must say that I had the feeling that Buddhism will not work for me. Somehow, I felt the answer I was seeking was hidden deeper than that great spiritual leader could understand.

I mean I just felt he was more interested in having me on his trophy shelf than really helping me. Since all these pressures started, I have become something of a “Goofy” character in a Walt Disney cartoon. I forget things and say things kind of in a funny and goofy way. So there I was listening to the spiritual leader, and when I left, I forgot my eye glasses. Instead of telling me that I had forgotten them, the spiritual leader just said nothing and let me leave, knowing full well I had to return for them. And when I returned for them, all he could say was that I should focus better.

I remember thinking back then, just about two weeks ago when I saw him, that “this spiritual guy is “kind of funny” and really about scoring points and not really helping people. In Buddhist terms, that means he is still very worldly.

Today, I am trying to quit playing the game and be natural, doing and saying what comes naturally. I am also focusing on not being a winner, and that means letting other people lead and for me to take the back seat - kicking back and watching and just going with the flow- not trying to make a point.

These attempts to quit playing the game and quit being addicted to winning - or coming out ahead all the time - are very difficult for me, because they tie into my journalism. But there are a few friends who are helping me out now, with sound advice.

Slowly, I am getting rid of the winning attitude and the game playing. Doing so has really forced me into looking at my old relationships with many people, such as my father, sister, mother and even my first wife, Pam. They all have now become my new found friends, full of interesting angles and opportunities for the relationships to grow. There are also new friends like Kung and Varr, who spent the time nursing me, a total stranger they never met and all the weirdness that comes with me, and greatly helped bringing me back to normalcy as a better person.

Like the famous poem says, “When you change for the better, the world changes for the better with you.”

If you asked me, “Terry, how did you ever made it from basking and glowing in the happiness of that slum some 15 years ago, to glowing and basking in happiness at Asoke Road, one of the richest districts of Bangkok, in a condo at one of the best building on the street?”

I would say that there I had no real plan of action that was meant to take me back to my old life. Keeping focused on winning, fighting, and never giving up, helped me in that long journey.  Realizing that I needed to become a better person with better humanity also was important.

However, fighting, winning and game playing have their limits and downside. What kept me going was something deep inside my psyche, which I don’t really understand. That sense just kept me going and helped me to make the right choices and decisions that were important for the long-term.

It had been a 15 year struggle to get from time my life crashed to the point today that I am becoming extremely happy with my progress towards quitting the game and stopping thinking about winning. Along the way I have stopped drinking and whoring like a wild animal. I have stopped lying and manipulating people as a way to steal money from them. I am not quite “Snow White” yet and still have a way to go.

But simply said, I am on the road of what Buddhism calls, “Letting go.” Or what God would call, “Coming to terms with oneself.” I am doing it, starting to accept that I am just a human being, with lots of imperfections who will be making lots of mistakes. And winning or loosing, I really don’t care anymore.

And as far as the game is concerned, Pookie tells me that the biggest flaw of the Thais, is that they have a short memory span, and everybody will forget Terry or Tavivoot ever existed in six months time. That is great news indeed, to be forgotten and left out of the crazy games the Thais play.